Holding Nothing
by Chittering
Summary: Sanzo's filled with a strange sense of melancholia and Goku will try to help. SanzoGoku
1. Chapter 1

Blah blah blah... Author's notes... I wrote this over a period of two days when I was bored and Saiyuki-deprived... comes of fruitlessly searching for doujin and a lack of inspiration for my writings that actually matter some to me. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't really write fanfics too often, and this one was just for the heck of it. The characters may or may not be always in character and all that other stuff.

Due to the lack of seriousness with which I set out to write this I ask that reviewers don't leave serious critiques. I'm not looking to get better or win awards or anything... just entertain myself... and maybe you!

Now, enjoy the fic!

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Holding nothing had never seemed so... empty.

It wasn't raining. No one was injured. Hell, they had even found a decent inn to stay at. Sanzo knew that there was no legitimate reason for him to be feeling so crappy and that was perhaps the most galling thing of all. He felt like shit and there was nothing to blame for it. Even the window ledge, his usual brood spot, didn't seem to fit with the bright sunlight pouring through. He was frustrated with himself and the world, so did what anyone else would have done.

Sanzo lit up a cigarette.

As the cigarette burned away to ash, so did Sanzo's thoughts. Bad mood. It was just a stupid bad mood. It didn't mean anything. He probably needed more sleep. He definitely didn't need human company. Not in the least bit. Sanzo had resolved long ago not to need anyone ever again.

Not to care about anyone so deeply that he couldn't bare to lose them.

A wry thought danced unbidden through Sanzo's mind... that it was all well and good not caring about other people, but they could at least give a damn about him once in a while. Was that too much to ask?

"Hmph. Like I'd want sympathy from those morons anyways," muttered Sanzo, blowing out tendrils of smoke. "Like Hell."

The door opened.

Goku sighed disgruntledly as he headed back for the inn. Hakkai hadn't let him follow Gojyo into that "adult" store, instead giving the pretense that he wanted Goku to bring Sanzo his cigarettes. Goku knew what Gojyo was buying in there and what it was used for but Hakkai couldn't seem to understand that. "I'm not just some kid..." mumbled Goku under his breath as he stomped inside. "Not dumb."

The plastic bag swung freely off Goku's arm as he opened the door to Sanzo's room. Hopefully Sanzo hadn't smoked the last of his old pack quite yet... Goku didn't want to deal with a nicotine-deprived Sanzo. At least if he did, it wouldn't have to be for very long.

"Hey Sanzo," started Goku, voice trailing down when he noticed the expression on Sanzo's face. "I brought you your cigarettes," he finished quietly and a bit too quickly, a detail that seemed to irk the blond priest slightly.

"Could have knocked," complained Sanzo. Though casting the monkey reproachful glances, he took the cigarettes when offered.

Goku's mind battled through his two possible courses of action. He could either leave Sanzo alone and thus avoid any snarliness... or he could stick around and see if he could make him feel better. Sanzo feeling better on his own would be ideal, but Goku doubted that was about to happen. Chances were good that if Goku stayed that Sanzo would just get angry at him instead, but...

Sanzo was his sun. He couldn't just leave him like that.

"Hey Sanzo... What's wrong?"

What was wrong? Where did the monkey get the gall to ask him a question like that? Sanzo hissed through closed teeth and narrowed his eyes at the offending youth. He didn't want to be bothered, especially not when he felt like this. Giving into temptation... weaknesses would just make him more susceptible to it later.

"Nothing is wrong," he growled at the quiet Goku. "Just go back to your own damn room."

"I'm in your room tonight, remember?" Goku's voice was hesitant and Sanzo immediately resented that. He didn't want to be treated like some invalid just because he was feeling crappy.

"Ok then. Shut up and leave me alone." Sanzo turned to face away from Goku and resolutely pulled out a book he had been attempting to read lately. He didn't have his glasses on but stubbornness carried him onwards. A headache would be worth ignoring Goku's prattling.

Glasses or not, Sanzo couldn't help notice the light touch that brushed hair away from his neck.

"What the hell?" spat Sanzo, spinning around and pinning Goku with a furious glare. "What do you think you're doing?"

Goku recoiled as if he had been struck. "J-just thought I'd..."

"You'd what?"

To Sanzo's surprise... instead of backing off like he usually did, Goku steadied himself. "I thought I'd try to give you a massage. The cockroach has been making me do it lately an' he says that I'm pretty good, so..."

"... Fine. Do it."

Goku couldn't believe his ears. Sanzo had just given _him _permission to touch what was famously untouchable? It was either the worst mood that Goku had ever seen Sanzo in or... a different sort of mood entirely. Whatever mood it was, though, Goku wasn't about to let an opportunity like this go to waste. Once again brushing the wispy blond hair out of the way, Goku set hands to the tense muscles that connected the neck to the shoulders.

Goku hadn't really had that much experience but somehow that didn't seem to matter. His fingers moved of their own will, rubbing through black cloth and into Sanzo. It wasn't the first time he noticed how beautiful Sanzo looked from behind, but he was starting to get a whole new perspective. The slender waist, the curving shoulders, the long neck, all the way up to the golden hair was taking on a new light. Goku felt heat rising in him and his eyes became glued to the neck... Hidden behind locks of hair and black shirt...

Goku knew that he was going to be a very very bad monkey, but some things were worth reaching for.

He slowly worked the collar downwards and planted a butterfly-light kiss on the skin of Sanzo's neck.

The breath caught in Sanzo's throat when he felt the lips brushing. Since when had Goku been old enough to do things like that? Since when had he even cared? Since when had... Sanzo enjoyed something like that? Sanzo tried to remind himself that he didn't believe in physical contact... that he was just appreciating it more because of his bizarre mood.

But... Sanzo's mind continued to work even as Goku's hands worked their way to his front. Sanzo wasn't going to have physical contact with anyone... but couldn't he let them have contact with him? It was a loophole at best, but...

Goku was circling around him now, moving past the book... past arms... past reservations... past defenses...

And giving Sanzo perhaps the first kiss he ever enjoyed in his life.

Goku understood neither what force was driving him onwards or what twist of fate allowed him to be this close to his caretaker. He tried to mull this over but Sanzo's lips were too soft... warm... enticing.

All that, and it would have made Goku feel even better if Sanzo had moved a muscle throughout the entire thing.

"Sanzo..." murmured Goku past the priest's ear. "Why are you ignoring me? Am I bothering you? Just tell me and I'll stop."

Sanzo's voice was huskier than usual but there was no mistaking the meaning of his next words. "I haven't told you to stop yet, have I?"

Goku grinned in the way that only his favorite foods, Sanzo now included, could induce. "No... you haven't..."

Sanzo's ear was right in Goku's field of vision now... and Goku couldn't imagine anything more delicious. Mouth forgotten for the moment, Goku focused his ministrations on this new portion of the anatomy.

This definitely wasn't how he had planned on comforting Sanzo.

But Goku wasn't about to complain.

Free from everything, bound by nothing. That last phrase echoed and reverberated through his mind. He wasn't free, not anymore. Goku's lips and hands and body were all binding Sanzo to him... Sanzo wasn't going to be free anymore.

But was that really such a bad thing?

Bound by nothing... Kites without strings were blown away in the wind. A boat without a rudder would drift aimlessly.

Birds, even with their wings and freedom, needed a home to return to.

Sanzo almost smiled, but thought of something even better to do.

He kissed Goku back.

And the day seemed bright again.


	2. Chapter 2

Ok... so I lied... I wrote another chapter of this.

I can't help it! I was bored and not hungry enough to eat... not inspired enough to work on my original stuff... Too bored to study...

And I just glanced at a Saiyuki manga... which didn't help.

So... enjoy another chapter of this fic. As you'll be able to tell by the ending, I'm indeed considering writing more... Next time I get bored enough...

And as with the last chapter, since I'm doing this for fun and without any grand goal in mind... please keep comments nice and criticisms absent.

And... Here you go!

-Chittering

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The accidental brush of contact, the passing look, the muttered words... They all had taken on a new meaning for Goku over the last few days. Sanzo was acting the same but he was different. Goku could tell. He could tell in the brush of contact, the passing look, the muttered words. His heart sang the golden haired monk's name as the wind rushed through his hair.

"Sanzo... sanzo..."

Gojyo chortled and grinned at Goku's dazed expression. "Hey Sanzo, I think the monkey is daydreaming about you. Sounds like you two are having a great ti-"

A click and a gun cocked to Gojyo's head silenced the kappa, the Glare of Death out in full force. "Another word and you die."

"Now now..." chided Hakkai, eyes merrily (and alarmingly) closed as he drove around a corner. "Isn't it a bit late for death threats?"

Sanzo twitchily turned to face forward, vein throbbing and eyes narrowed. "It's alw ays a good time for death threats." Hakkai only chuckled, so there was silence in the vehicle once more.

Until...

"Sanzooooooo..."

Sanzo's teeth grated but the sigh was just a little too lingering for him to bear. "DO YOU WANT TO DIE TOO?" He spun around, prepared to give Death to the monkey or at least some Intimidation and Fear.

Or, that was the plan.

Goku wasn't phased at all by Sanzo's outburst... in fact... it seemed to have had the opposite effect.

"Sanzo," murmured Goku, eyes half-lidded and a dreamy smile on his face.

Sanzo couldn't remember what he had been about to say.

He couldn't remember what emotion he was supposed to be feeling at the moment.

For an instant the world seemed to close in around him, narrowing down to nothing but the look in Goku's eyes and the pounding of his own heart.

He snapped out of it with a jolt and was facing forward again before Goku could even blink. "Stupid monkey!" Even to his own ears, Sanzo's voice sounded strange... A little contrived, even. "Next time I hear you say my name I'm going to pound your head in."

"All right," agreed Goku amiably. "No problem, Sa- Whoops!" He grinned sheepishly, but Sanzo wasn't watching anymore. He was resolutely looking forwards and hoping the heat in his cheeks didn't mean what he thought it meant. If anyone commented on it they would die. Death would be upon them. There would be pain and misery and woe if anyone dared to notice his peculiar mood.

Of course they noticed.

Gojyo was in shock. Something had happened to make the bitchy priest shut up. It was beyond surprising... it was nigh miraculous. That combined with Sanzo's rather pink ears could mean one of two things: 1. That Sanzo had contracted a deadly disease and was about to fall over dead. 2. That something had managed to get close enough to the block of ice that was Sanzo's heart to... make him feel something.

"Holy shit..." muttered Gojyo. He stared at the back of the priest's blond head, realization dawning on his face. "HAKKAI! DRIVE FASTER! SANZO'S GONNA DIE!"

Hakkai sped up by sheer virtue of someone shouting right next to his ear, leaving the other three passengers holding on for dear life.

"WHAT THE HELL?" shouted Sanzo over the roar of the wind. "Who said I'm dying?"

Gojyo pointed accusingly at his still pink face. "Look! You're feverish, man! We need to get you to a doctor!"

"I'm not going to a god-damned doctor! I'm fine!"

"They always say that right before they keel over!"

"Yeah? Well someone is going to die if you don't shut up!"

"Well it isn't gonna be me! I-" Gojyo cut himself off as he saw the monkey reaching forward, putting a hand curiously onto the raging monk's forehead.

"He feels fine to me..." said Goku before slumping back into his former position.

"See?" snarled Sanzo, piercing Gojyo with his most cutting glare. "I'm fine."

The car was still going fast, but not so much so that anyone could miss Goku's mumbled remark.

"Besides... if Sanzo was sick then I'd have gotten it too..."

Hakkai blinked. Gojyo grinned. Sanzo covered his face with his hands and moaned.

"Y-you and the monk?" gasped Gojyo, eyes alight with glee. "Seriously?"

Goku shrugged and blushed a little, but the meaning was clear. Gojyo cackled delightedly.

"Damn! I knew there was nothing he didn't do! You have to be the most corrupt priest in the world, Sanzo! I think tha-"

"SHUT UP!" The words tore from Sanzo's throat along with a hiss of suppressed rage. "Don't you dare talk about me like that. Whatever I do is MY business, and it will stay that way. Mention this again and this will be the journey of three to the west, got it?"

Gojyo nodded meekly and a silence heavy as rain fell upon the jeep. Goku was lost in guilt that he had inadvertently brought his sun pain. Hakkai was hoping that these outbursts didn't become a regular occurrence. Gojyo was bemoaning his loss in not only having to deal with a cranky monk but at being beaten to him by Goku. Sanzo was... thinking.

He shouldn't have let Goku touch him. He shouldn't have been in that mood in the first place. He wasn't that sort of monk. Killing? Yes. Swearing? Yes. Drinking? Smoking? Yes and yes. But inappropriate relations with his charge... He would have sworn vengeance on anyone who had even so much as suggested it in the past. Now, though, now he had become weak. He had given in and held something even though everything he was built upon told him not to.

He was bound, and now there was no escaping it.


End file.
